Understanding Validators, Avoiders, and Volatile couples in the context of Gottman Method couples therapy.
What Are The Three Preferred Conflict Styles?
How Can Therapists Explain Conflict Styles Simply?
What Is A Volatile Conflict Style?
What Is An Avoidant Conflict Style?
What Is A Validating Conflict Style?
How Do The Three Conflict Styles Compare?
What Happens When Partners Have Different Conflict Styles?
What Is The Therapist’s Goal With Mismatched Conflict Styles?
How Does Meta-Emotion Fit Into Conflict Styles?
What Mistakes Should Therapists Avoid?
Can A Person Change Their Preferred Conflict Style?
What Should Therapists Help The Couple Build?
Conclusion
Want To Get Better At Working With Conflict Styles?
Frequently Asked Questions
Key Takeaways
What are the three preferred conflict styles in the Gottman Method?
Is one conflict style better than the others?
Can a person change their preferred conflict style?
What should therapists do with mismatched conflict styles?
How does meta-emotion relate to conflict styles?
About Sam Garanzini, MFT, LPCC
Couples often have predictable ways of responding to disagreement.
In the Gottman Method, three common preferred conflict styles are:
A person’s preferred conflict style is the style they are most likely to use when tension, disagreement, or emotional intensity shows up.
This does not mean a person only has one way of handling conflict.
But it does mean they usually have a default.
A simple way to explain conflict styles is to use an everyday example.
Imagine someone is waiting in a long grocery store line.
Another person cuts in front of them.
A volatile response might sound like:
“Hey, can you not see the line?”
An avoidant response might sound like:
“She probably has a lot going on. I’ll just let it go.”
A validating response might sound like:
“Maybe I misunderstood how the line works. Let me check before I react.”
Each response makes sense from a certain emotional logic.
The problem is not that one response is right and the others are wrong.
The problem comes when partners expect each other to handle conflict the same way.
A volatile conflict style moves toward disagreement quickly.
Volatile partners are often emotionally direct, expressive, fast, passionate, and willing to engage.
Strengths of a volatile style can include:
Risks of a volatile style can include:
A volatile partner may feel like they are simply being honest.
Their partner may experience the same behavior as too intense or unsafe.
An avoidant conflict style moves away from disagreement.
Avoidant partners may minimize, delay, sidestep, reframe, or focus on what is going well.
Strengths of an avoidant style can include:
Risks of an avoidant style can include:
An avoidant partner may feel like they are protecting the relationship from unnecessary conflict.
Their partner may experience the same behavior as dismissive or checked out.
A validating conflict style tries to balance emotional expression with understanding.
Validating partners often want fairness, respect, listening, and emotional acknowledgment.
Strengths of a validating style can include:
Risks of a validating style can include:
A validating partner may feel like they are trying to keep the conversation respectful.
Their partner may experience the same behavior as controlling or overly careful.
Mismatched conflict styles are common.
One partner may be volatile while the other is avoidant.
One may be validating while the other is volatile.
One may want to process immediately while the other needs time.
This often creates a second layer of conflict.
The couple is no longer just arguing about the issue.
They are arguing about how each person handles the issue.
For example:
That is where couples therapy needs to shift.
The goal is not to change either partner’s preferred conflict style.
Preferred conflict style is often deeply rooted in temperament, family history, culture, attachment, and past relational experience.
It is not like changing a communication script.
A better goal is to help the couple discuss conflict at a meta-level.
That means helping them talk about how they do conflict, not just the topic they are fighting about.
Therapists can help couples ask:
Meta-emotion means how people feel about feelings.
Conflict styles are closely tied to meta-emotion.
A volatile partner may feel comfortable with anger and see it as honest.
An avoidant partner may feel anxious about anger and see it as dangerous.
A validating partner may feel most comfortable when emotion is acknowledged but contained.
When couples understand this, they can stop moralizing each other’s conflict style.
The conversation shifts from:
“You are wrong for reacting that way.”
To:
“That reaction makes more sense when I understand what conflict means to you.”
Therapists should avoid trying to make one conflict style the “correct” one.
Common mistakes include:
The therapist’s job is to help partners understand and negotiate their differences.
A person can learn new skills.
They can learn to soften startup, take breaks, return after flooding, listen more carefully, and repair more effectively.
But their preferred conflict style is usually stable.
The point is not to erase the style.
The point is to help the person use their style more flexibly and less defensively.
A volatile partner may learn to slow down.
An avoidant partner may learn to stay engaged.
A validating partner may learn to tolerate more intensity.
That is different from asking them to become someone else.
Therapists can help the couple build a shared conflict agreement.
This agreement might include:
The goal is not identical conflict behavior.
The goal is shared understanding and flexible adaptation.
The three preferred conflict styles integrate into the Gottman Method by helping therapists understand how partners naturally approach disagreement.
Volatile, avoidant, and validating styles each have strengths.
Each can also create problems when misunderstood or judged.
When therapists help couples talk about their conflict styles at a meta-level, couples can stop trying to change each other and begin building a shared way to handle disagreement.
That is often where real progress starts.
Conflict style mismatches can make couples therapy feel messy fast. Our Gottman Method trainings and advanced mentorship options help therapists understand conflict, meta-emotion, escalation, shutdown, and repair with more confidence.
The three preferred conflict styles are volatile, avoidant, and validating. Each describes a different way partners tend to approach disagreement.
No. Each conflict style has strengths and risks. The clinical goal is not to choose the best style, but to help the couple understand how their styles interact.
People can learn new conflict skills, but their preferred style is usually stable. Therapy helps partners use their style more flexibly rather than trying to become someone else.
Therapists should help couples talk about their conflict styles at a meta-level, understand what each style means, and create shared agreements for handling conflict.
Meta-emotion is how people feel about feelings. Conflict styles are often shaped by a person’s beliefs about anger, sadness, intensity, calmness, repair, and emotional safety.
Sam Garanzini is a couples therapist, trainer, and co-founder of Couples Therapy Training Academy and Gay Couples Institute. He helps clinicians work more confidently with conflict styles, meta-emotion, escalation, shutdown, and complex relationship dynamics in couples therapy.
- Theory & Frameworks
How The Three Preferred Conflict Styles Integrate Into The Gottman Method
By Sam Garanzini, MFT, LPCC
Published: Feb 23, 2020
Updated: )}
The three preferred conflict styles in the Gottman Method are volatile, avoidant, and validating. These styles describe how partners naturally approach disagreement. In couples therapy, the goal is not to change a partner’s conflict style, but to help the couple understand their differences and talk about conflict at a meta-level.
Key Takeaways
•
The three preferred conflict styles are volatile, avoidant, and validating.
- •
Each style has strengths and risks.
- •
Conflict style is usually stable and does not need to be changed.
- •
Problems often happen when partners judge or misunderstand each other’s style.
- •
Therapists should help couples discuss conflict styles at a meta-level instead of forcing one style to become dominant.
- volatile
- avoidant
- validating
- directness
- honesty
- passion
- quick engagement
- emotional clarity
- willingness to address issues
- escalation
- harsh startup
- criticism
- difficulty slowing down
- overwhelming the other partner
- calm
- patience
- perspective
- ability to let small things go
- focus on larger goals
- emotional distance
- lack of repair
- unresolved resentment
- avoidance of important issues
- difficulty naming hurt directly
- empathy
- fairness
- reflection
- repair
- emotional steadiness
- willingness to understand both sides
- over-managing emotion
- becoming rigid about “healthy communication”
- avoiding necessary intensity
- judging more volatile or avoidant partners
- “You’re too intense.”
- “You never want to talk.”
- “You make everything a fight.”
- “You shut down every time.”
- “You act like nothing bothers you.”
- “You think your way of talking is the only right way.”
- What does conflict mean to each of us?
- What did conflict look like in our families?
- What feels respectful to each of us?
- What feels threatening to each of us?
- How do we each know when we are flooded?
- What helps us pause without abandoning the conversation?
- How do we repair after a fight?
- What style might fit this situation best?
- siding with the conflict style that matches the therapist’s own style
- pathologizing volatile partners as too intense
- pathologizing avoidant partners as uncaring
- assuming validating partners are always healthier
- pushing avoidant couples into conflict too quickly
- over-facilitating so the couple only talks through the therapist
- trying to change a stable conflict style instead of helping partners adapt
- how they will know a conflict is escalating
- when they need a break
- how they will come back after a break
- what tone or language is off-limits
- what each partner needs to stay engaged
- how they will repair process injuries
- how they will decide which style fits which situation