Clinical interventions for meta-conflict and couples stuck in cycles of arguing about how they communicate.
Why Do Couples Argue About Arguing?
What Is Really Happening Underneath The Fight?
What Are The Three Gottman Conflict Styles?
What Is A Volatile Conflict Style?
What Is An Avoidant Conflict Style?
What Is A Validating Conflict Style?
How Do Conflict Styles Clash?
What Mistakes Do Therapists Make With Conflict Style Mismatches?
What Is The Goal With Mismatched Conflict Styles?
How Can Therapists Help Couples Stop Arguing About Arguing?
What Should The Couple Practice Instead?
What Should Therapists Watch For In Session?
Conclusion
Want More Confidence With Conflict Style Mismatches?
Frequently Asked Questions
Key Takeaways
1. Siding With The Partner Whose Conflict Style Feels Familiar
2. Forcing A Couple Into Conflict Too Quickly
3. Facilitating Every Word Through The Therapist
What does it mean when couples argue about arguing?
What are the three Gottman conflict styles?
What is a conflict style mismatch?
Should therapists try to change a couple’s conflict style?
What should therapists do when the argument becomes about tone or process?
About Sam Garanzini, MFT, LPCC
Most couples argue.
That alone is not the problem.
The problem begins when the original issue gets resolved, but the couple keeps fighting about how the argument happened.
They may start with:
But then the fight shifts.
Now they are arguing about:
At that point, the therapist needs to stop treating the content as the main issue.
The process has become the issue.
When couples argue about arguing, they are often having a meta-emotion conflict.
Meta-emotion means how people feel about feelings.
One partner may believe strong emotion is honest and necessary.
The other may believe strong emotion is unsafe or out of control.
One partner may think taking a break is mature.
The other may experience that same break as abandonment.
One partner may think calmness is respectful.
The other may experience calmness as indifference.
This is why the couple keeps missing each other.
They are not only disagreeing about what happened.
They are disagreeing about what conflict is supposed to look like.
In the Gottman Method, three common conflict styles are often described as:
These styles are not automatically good or bad.
Each has strengths.
Each has risks.
The clinical mistake is assuming one style is healthier simply because it feels more comfortable to the therapist.
A volatile partner tends to move toward conflict quickly.
They may be expressive, intense, fast, passionate, and emotionally direct.
Strengths of this style can include:
Risks can include:
A volatile partner may say:
“At least I’m trying to talk about it.”
Their partner may experience the same behavior as aggressive, dramatic, or unsafe.
An avoidant partner tends to move away from conflict.
They may minimize, sidestep, delay, distract, or focus on what is going well.
Strengths of this style can include:
Risks can include:
An avoidant partner may say:
“I’m just trying not to make it worse.”
Their partner may experience the same behavior as dismissive, cold, or checked out.
A validating partner tends to seek balance.
They may want both emotional expression and calm listening.
Strengths of this style can include:
Risks can include:
A validating partner may say:
“I just want us to talk respectfully.”
Their partner may experience the same behavior as controlling, superior, or emotionally restrictive.
Therapists often make three common mistakes.
This is the biggest risk.
A therapist who values calm may unconsciously side with the avoidant or validating partner.
A therapist who values directness may unconsciously side with the volatile partner.
The result is that one partner feels pathologized for having a different nervous system or conflict style.
The therapist’s job is not to pick the “right” style.
The job is to help the couple understand how each style works and what each style needs to adapt.
Some couples are not ready to engage conflict directly.
This is especially true for avoidant couples.
Pushing them into a hot conflict in session can backfire if they do not yet have enough safety, regulation, or shared purpose.
The goal is not to make avoidant couples fight.
The goal is to help them build enough tolerance to address what matters.
Sometimes therapists become the communication bridge for the couple.
One partner talks to the therapist.
The therapist translates.
The other partner responds to the therapist.
That may reduce conflict in the room, but it does not always build the couple’s ability to talk to each other outside the room.
Therapists need to help partners gradually practice direct interaction, not only therapist-mediated communication.
The goal is not to make both partners use the same conflict style.
Most conflict styles are deeply rooted.
They are shaped by temperament, family history, culture, trauma, attachment, and years of relational experience.
The goal is to help the couple reach a shared agreement about how they will handle conflict together.
That means helping them answer:
This is where therapy becomes practical.
Start by naming the pattern.
For example:
“I wonder if the two of you are not only arguing about what happened, but also about how conflict is supposed to happen between you.”
Then slow the couple down.
Help each partner describe their conflict style without blaming the other.
You might ask:
These questions move the couple from accusation into reflection.
The couple needs a conflict agreement.
Not a rigid script.
A practical agreement.
For example:
This gives the couple a shared path.
Watch for the moment the couple leaves the original topic and starts attacking the process.
Common signs include:
When you hear these phrases, pause.
The process has become the intervention target.
When couples argue about arguing, they are often stuck in a conflict style mismatch.
One partner’s version of healthy conflict may feel unsafe to the other.
One partner’s version of regulation may feel like abandonment.
One partner’s attempt to repair may feel like avoidance.
Therapists can help by stepping out of the content, naming the process, and helping the couple build a shared agreement for conflict.
The goal is not to eliminate conflict.
The goal is to help the couple fight in a way the relationship can survive.
It means the couple has shifted from the original issue into a fight about the process of conflict itself, such as tone, intensity, shutdown, defensiveness, or whether the argument was handled correctly.
The three common Gottman conflict styles are volatile, avoidant, and validating. Each style has strengths and risks, and none is automatically better than the others.
A conflict style mismatch happens when partners have different ways of engaging disagreement. For example, one partner may move toward conflict while the other moves away from it.
Not usually. The goal is not to change each partner’s basic style, but to help the couple understand their differences and create shared agreements for handling conflict.
Pause the content discussion and name the process. Help the couple explore what each partner believes healthy conflict should look like and what each person needs to stay engaged.
Sam Garanzini is a couples therapist, trainer, and co-founder of Couples Therapy Training Academy and Gay Couples Institute. He helps clinicians work more confidently with conflict, shutdown, escalation, and complex relationship dynamics in couples therapy.
- In-Session Challenges
What To Do When Couples Argue About Arguing
By Sam Garanzini, MFT, LPCC
Published: Mar 3, 2020
Updated: )}
When couples argue about arguing, therapists should stop chasing the original content issue and assess the conflict process underneath it. Often, the couple is stuck in a mismatch around conflict style, meta-emotion, repair, or what each partner believes “healthy conflict” should look like.
Key Takeaways
•
Couples who argue about arguing are often fighting about the process, not the original issue.
- •
Conflict style mismatches can make one partner’s normal feel unsafe, avoidant, dramatic, or dismissive to the other.
- •
The Gottman conflict styles include volatile, avoidant, and validating.
- •
Therapists should avoid siding with the conflict style that feels most comfortable to them.
- •
The goal is not to make both partners fight the same way. The goal is to help them negotiate how conflict will happen in their relationship.
- the trash
- money
- tone of voice
- sex
- parenting
- chores
- time together
- texting
- family obligations
- who raised their voice
- who shut down
- who was too intense
- who was too cold
- who interrupted
- who walked away
- who “always makes everything a fight”
- volatile
- avoidant
- validating
- honesty
- passion
- emotional clarity
- quick engagement
- willingness to address issues directly
- escalation
- harsh startup
- overwhelm
- criticism
- difficulty slowing down
- perspective
- patience
- calm
- ability to let small things go
- focus on bigger goals
- emotional distance
- unresolved resentment
- shutdown
- lack of repair
- difficulty naming problems directly
- empathy
- repair
- fairness
- perspective-taking
- emotional steadiness
- over-moderating emotion
- avoiding necessary intensity
- becoming rigid about “proper” communication
- judging partners who are more volatile or avoidant
- What does each of us need when conflict starts?
- What feels threatening to each of us?
- What helps each of us stay engaged?
- What does repair look like?
- When do we pause?
- How do we come back?
- What is too much?
- What is too little?
- How do we protect the relationship while still being honest?
- What did conflict look like in your family growing up?
- When your partner raises their voice, what happens inside you?
- When your partner goes quiet, what story do you tell yourself?
- What does a healthy argument look like to you?
- What feels disrespectful during conflict?
- What helps you stay connected when you disagree?
- What kind of repair actually works for you?
- We will name when the conversation is becoming about the argument itself.
- We will pause when either partner is flooded.
- We will come back to the issue after a break.
- We will avoid judging each other’s conflict style as wrong.
- We will ask what the emotion means before defending.
- We will repair process injuries, not only content injuries.
- We will decide together when an issue is resolved.
- “It’s your tone.”
- “You’re doing it again.”
- “You always get defensive.”
- “You’re too intense.”
- “You never want to talk.”
- “You make everything a fight.”
- “You shut down every time.”
- “This is why I don’t bring things up.”